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1. Mothers need to go back to "giving them something to cry about!".

2. I had the same reaction to the Game Of Thrones TV ending as I did the Game Of Thrones Book ending. I didn't see either one.

3. Michael Douglas claims he got cancer from giving women oral sex. In related news, Rosie O'Donnell says she got fat for the same reason.

3a. In related news, Catherine Zeta-Jones is no longer giving blow-jobs.
3b. Any guy who got throat cancer by smoking cigarettes must feel stupid now.
3c. Tossing her salad is still safe though, right?
3d. We need stronger vagina control laws.
3e. Well that proves it. You can't eat anything without it being bad for you.

4. Kim Kardashian has revealed the sex of her baby - and it's a girl! NBA stars 18 years from now have something to look forward to.

 
 
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1. The AP News Twitter account was hacked today and reported that the White House had been attacked by bombs. The story was false. But the hacker was immediately hired by CNN.

2. Can we go back to hating the Yankees yet?

3. How come we don't have downloadable car horns yet? You know like ringtones? 
I got dibs on the Fran Drescher laugh!

4. The George W. Bush library is opening next week. If you use the card catalog don't expect to find any W's, M's, or D's.

 
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1. In honor of Earth Day today, I will be re-using all of my old condoms! Balloon animals for everyone!!

2. The woman who sang 'I Touch Myself' died at age 53. I was told it would only make me go blind!

3. The kids who live above me have been running around since 8:00 this morning! Doesn't anyone crate train anymore?

4. Reese Witherspoon was arrested over the weekend for 'Disorderly Conduct'. That sounds like the name of her next shitty movie.

 
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1. Vince Neil was hospitalized this week because of a kidney stone. It's the best thing he's released in 20 years!

2. Kelly Osbourne was also admitted to the hospital this week after having a seizure. When her father, Ozzy, was reached for comment, doctors admitted him for a seizure too.

3. Computer hackers have stolen Michelle Obama's banking records and credit card information. I think Barack just found the first target for his new drones!

4. A judge in New York City has thrown out the mayor's ban on large sized soda. Charlies Sheen celebrated the victory by purchasing 20 ounces of Coke.