1. A guy chewing another guy's face off? The Walking Dead is going a little overboard promoting their zombie show, don't cha think?
2. A 10-year old Columbian girl gave birth this week! Sounds like Roman Polanski's next movie is being filmed in Columbia!
3. Jessica Simpson is now the new spokesperson for Weight Watchers. She's the only woman who has ever gained baby fat BEFORE getting pregnant!
4. Kathy Lee Gifford says she feels terrible about asking Martin Short about his marriage, not knowing his wife died 2 years ago. She says she won't let something like that happen when she interviews Donna Summer.
1. I need a cool nickname like Rob Levine.
2. Mark Zuckerberg visited the Sistine Chapel with his new bride on their honeymoon. When he was finished he bought it for a billion dollars.
3. Did you hear about the new Miami Beach Diet? Take some LSD and eat someone's face off!
4. Levi Johnston says he is broke. Looks like he'll be trying to knock-up another politician's daughter. Look out Bush Twins!
1. Phillip Phillips won American Idol. Wasn't that the name of the little cartoon mascot for the light bulb company?
2. The man who invented the remote control died. I gave him a 3 mute salute tonight. Now that he's gone, we'll never know how to open up that damn battery compartment without breaking it!
3. The Red Sox and Yankees are in last place in the American League East! Maybe those Mayans are on to something...
4. Would someone buy Miley Cyrus a damn bra! You can take the girl out of redneck country but you can't take the redneck out of the girl.
1. Donna Summer just ruined the Whitney Houston tribute for the Billboard Music Awards.
2. You know who would have been great in the lead role of 'The Dictator'? - Borat.
3. Britney Spears is a new judge on 'X-Factor'. At least they found someone normal and stable to replace Paula Abdul.
4. Russell Brand is pretty funny. I just wish I could understand what the fuck he is saying!
1. Hey gas prices are going down! How come Republicans aren't giving President Obama credit like they did when they were going up?
2. Bristol Palin wrote a blog saying President Obama shouldn't support same-sex marriages. But unwed teen mom's are totally cool.
3. Women are outraged by the new Time Magazine cover featuring a mom breast-feeding her 3-year old son. Men are jealous.
4. George Clooney hosted a $40,000 a plate fund raiser for President Obama last night. I hope that shit had one of those cool bouncy castles!
5. I know President Obama wants the top 1% to pay more, but $40,000 a plate for food is steep EVEN FOR THEM!
1. Hey North Carolina, you know what really violates the institution of marriage? Not letting 2 people in love get married.
2. Al-Qaeda has invented a new type of underwear bomb! Great! Now I gotta take off my boxers at airport security.
3. John Travolta alleged tried to grope his masseur. Kind of gives new meaning to the movie 'Get Shorty'.
4. Brad Pitt is the new face for advertising campaigns by Chanel No. 5. Hey, he needs to pay off that engagement ring to Angelina somehow!
1. Happy Star Wars Day. Kick an ewok!
2. Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarznegger, Jet Li, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis - the new Expendables movie should just be called "Fuck Yeah!"
3. Jessica Simpson named her new baby girl Maxwell. Isn't that the same name as the annoying pig in the Geico commercials?
4. Mariano Rivera is seeking a 2nd opinion on his torn ACL injury. Here you go: retire.
1. President Obama spent the day in Afghanistan with the troops. The only country Mitt Romney doesn't have money stashed in.
2. Levi Johnston and his girlfriend have announced the name of their new baby, Breeze Beretta. Man does that name blow!
3. Speaking of babies, Jessica Simpson gave birth to a healthy baby girl. And all this time I just thought she was fat!
4. The Octomom has agreed to do a masturbation web video to make money for her bills. If she had done more of that and less baby making she wouldn't have all these bills!
1. One year ago today we captured and killed Osama Bin Laden. Why do I still have to take my shoes off at the airport?
2. Ryan Seacrest will be covering the presidential election for NBC News. Which means we won't know who the president is until after 7 minutes of commercials!
3. The Octomom has filed for bankruptcy. She needs to just give in and make some money by doing porn and letting her kids work for Nike.
4. The blockbuster movie Avatar is going to be airing on television. With commercials, it should only last about 9 hours!