1. Happy Fat Tuesday, or as Chris Christie calls it - Tuesday.

2. Some guys will save money by shopping for flowers the day before Valentine's Day. This year I'm saving by not shopping at all!

3. I think the Pope should have gone on a farewell tour like Cher did. He would have sold out so many shows in Vegas!

4. The Olympic Committee has decided to take wrestling out of the Olympics:
a. What are female Russian athletes going to do now?
b. So I guess that makes men's syncronized swimming the gayest Olympic event now.
c. The Rock responded to this news by saying, "You can take those gold medals, shine them up real nice, turn them sideways, and stick them up your candy asses!"

1. New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, and Boys II Men, are all reuniting for one big concert tour. The Mayans were off by about a month.

2. There's a new cell phone app that will measure your penis and recommend the right condom to wear. Forget that. I have a hard enough time getting the phone charger to plug into that little hole.

3. The U.S. military has decided to allow women take on combat roles now. It will probably only be every 4 weeks though.

4. Rumors are going around that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. Brad Pitt is going to be so pissed at me when he finds out!

1. According to the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty' a woman was primarily responsible for finding Osama Bin Laden. Keep that in mind next time you can't find something in your purse, ladies.

2. The NBA's New Orleans Hornets are renaming their team the New Orleans Pelicans. And instead of basketball hoops, players will be shooting balls into giant basket like beaks.

3. Just like Beyonce, I plan to lip-sync my entire comedy set tonight! Don't miss it - 8:00pm at 2012 Bar & Grill on Cranston St. in Cranston RI - No Cover!

4. It's so cold out today, I'm wearing three socks!

1. I feel bad for the band R.E.M. They were really hoping to cash in today.

2. By the way, to all my Mayan friends, Happy New Year.

3. You know it's not the end of the world when you calendar ends. Its just time to go to Staples and buy a new one.

4. Although a girl from Cranston did win Miss Universe, so the Mayans were close...