1. Dear Mr. Kotter. Juan will not be in class today. He is dead. Signed, Epstein's Mother.

2. The Occupy Providence group has come to an agreement with the city and will be moving out of Burnside Park. Now they can all move back into their parent's basements.

3. Newt Gingrich says when he is president he will colonize the moon. See, he already plans to cheat on planet Earth!

4. Pat Sajak admits that in the 80's he would often be drunk while hosting Wheel of Fortune. That would explain when contestants would ask to buy a vowel, Sajak would reply, "I Love You Man!"

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