1. It's going to be a shame that I have no boss' desk to take a big shit on after I win Powerball tonight.

2. Rhode Island is the 37th most obese state in the country. New Jersey is #1 but most of that is just Chris Christie.

3. How come everyone who has Allstate car insurance talks like a black man?

4. Bill Gates is sponsoring a science fair to invent a new more efficient toilet. Yeah that's just what I need, slow download times while I'm taking a shit.

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