1. Tonight Obama will announce his national jobs program. Step one: "get a haircut and take out that damn nosering!"

2. That new episode of Sons of Anarchy on TV was great last night. What? Oh that was the Republican Debate. My bad.

3. A Mississippi man was arrested for shoplifting live lobsters in his pants. During the search, police also discovered the man had crabs! (Best Joke EVER!)

4. Jessica Simpson is denying the rumors that she is planning to have breast reduction surgery. Oh, if only there was a thing called 'brain enlargement surgery'...

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