1. Despite the small crowd I had at my stand-up show last night, I still had more viewers than President Obama's jobs speech.

2. The NFL season has officially begun. So what's the over/under on how many felonies will be committed this year by Steelers players?

3. This weekend is the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Osama Bin Laden will be celebrating by still being dead!

4. An 84 year old woman must retake a driving test after hitting Reese Witherspoon with her car. If she passes, she promises to REALLY get her next time.

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