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1. I feel bad for the band R.E.M. They were really hoping to cash in today.

2. By the way, to all my Mayan friends, Happy New Year.

3. You know it's not the end of the world when you calendar ends. Its just time to go to Staples and buy a new one.

4. Although a girl from Cranston did win Miss Universe, so the Mayans were close...

 
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1. The end of the world is coming tomorrow. Am I supposed to buy milk and bread?

2. A girl from Cranston just won the Miss Universe Pageant  I'm lucky if I can win 5 bucks on a scratch ticket!

3. The KKK plans to protest against the Westboro Baptist Church in Connecticut. Maybe we can get some Nazis down there too and complete the trifecta of Hate.

4. Justin Bieber is being accused of animal cruelty by the California Hamster Association for giving his hamster away to a crazy fan. So where were these people when Richard Gere was jamming them up his ass?