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New Haven police officers arrived at 166 Thompson Street shortly after 10 p.m. Saturday to a report of a person shot. They found Darrel Johnson, 51 suffering from a gunshot wound to the leg.

After police spoke to the victim, Johnson told police he accidentally shot himself. It turns out Johnson had forgotten he transferred his pistol from his pants pocket to his waistband, and during a trip to the bathroom, the gun fell, hitting the toilet and discharging, police said. The bullet struck him in the leg.

Police said Johnson told them he had recently acquired the gun for personal protection. But as a convicted felon, Johnson will face several charges for possession of a firearm, pending the outcome of a police investigation, authorities said.


TOM: Luckily he was only packing a 'pee' shooter!

 
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1.       Don’t call a Christmas Tree a ‘Holiday’ Tree even if you have the best of intentions.

2.       Any present that ends with the words “…of the month club” sucks.

3.       The biggest problem with buying someone a new car for Christmas, like in the TV commercials, is finding a gigantic red bow. Oh and cars are f&%king expensive!

4.       I will walk around the entire parking lot on purpose if you keep creeping after me in your car for my spot.

5.       A Santa hat is not an acceptable reason to invite strangers to sit on your lap.

          5a.       Especially children

6.       A Christmas card with no money in it will always be opened with a small amount of disappointment.

7.       Giving your man a power drill for Christmas is the equivalent of your man giving you a vacuum cleaner.

8.       Dogs that eat tinsel off the Christmas Tree will eventually take a shiny crap on the rug.

9.       National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie of all time.

10.   Don’t buy your girlfriend/wife clothes for Christmas. If you buy a size that is too big, it will mean you think “she is fat.”     If you buy a size that is too small it will mean you wish “she was skinnier.” Lose/Lose.

           10a.       This does not apply to jewelry. Women will always gladly exchange bling for the right size.

11.   I keep the Christ in Christmas when I go shopping. It is usually in the form of “Oh my god this is expensive!” and “Jesus Christ it is crowded in here!”

12.   Any guy wearing a Santa hat will look like a pedophile. Take it off.

13.   People who write ‘Xmas’ instead of ‘Christmas’ do not hate Jesus Christ. They are just lazy.

14.   Take separate cars when shopping with your significant other so you can get the hell out of there when you’re done, and they’re not.

15.   Sending Christmas cards with a picture of your kids, dogs, or house with decorations, is always tacky no matter how hard you try.

16.   The reason everyone is Merry on Christmas and not on other holidays is eggnog.

17.   Anyone who opens presents neatly without tearing the wrapping paper should be banned from Christmas for one year.

18.   Bringing your dog to have his picture taken with Santa is a cry for help.

19.   Santa Claus is supposed to be jolly and NOT smell like Jim Beam. (I’m talking to you Mall Santa)

20.   One of the best parts of Christmas is that you won’t have to see most of your family again until Easter!

21.   Christmas is the season of giving; unless you’re the credit card company.

22.   People will always know how much you spent on them if you give them a gift card for Christmas.

23.   Getting a haircut right before Christmas is second only to getting a haircut right before ‘back to school’ time - a bad idea.

24.   Buying and wrapping a present for your pet is NOT weird. Receiving a wrapped present from your pet and NOT knowing where it came from IS.

25.   Your car is not a reindeer. Take those ridiculous antlers off your roof!

26.   Any present that is hand-made and required a trip to a craft store, is not a welcomed present.

27.   At some point you are going to hear ‘Dominick the Donkey’, ‘The Chipmunks’, and that damn song about the kid and shoes for his mother. It’s unavoidable.

28.   The Festivus episode of Seinfeld was in 1997. It’s not that funny to say ‘Happy Festivus’ anymore. Move on…

29.   If you can’t remember last night, and can’t find your pants this morning, chances are your office Christmas party went horribly wrong.

30.   If your birthday is on or near Christmas Day you will most surely be screwed out of presents.

69. The mistletoe belt buckle is not an original idea. I’m pretty sure Dean Martin invented it.


 
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1. The FAA has passed new rules requiring airline pilots to get at least 8 hours of sleep before flying. I guess they won't be adding RedBull to their vodka anymore.

2. Anonymous strangers have been paying off people's lay-away charges at random stores around the country.  President Obama hopes they will do the same with the national debt.

3. For the first time in Naval history, the traditional dockside kiss was shared by a lesbian couple. In fact there was no 'semen' anywhere! (my best joke EVER!)

4. Three million people showed up at Kim Jong Il's funeral yesterday. They weren't there to mourn. They heard there was a free buffet!

 
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Deangelo Mitchell and his brother Wayne were taken into custody by the cops in South Carolina when the police suspected they had drugs in their car. While in custody, Deangelo convinced Wayne to eat the ounce of cocaine he had hidden in his ass. Then Wayne died.

Police say 20-year-old Wayne died about an hour after he ate the large amount of cocaine while in the back seat of a North Charleston police cruiser and was taken to a hospital. Police on Monday issued a warrant for Mitchell's brother, 23-year-old Deangelo Rashard Mitchell.

Police say the men had been arrested on cocaine trafficking charges. Officers say while the brothers were in the back of a patrol car, they discussed eating the cocaine.

TOM: "I'm not falling for the 'cocaine in your butt' trick again!"

 
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1. With the sudden death of Kim Jong Il, no one is sure who will lead North Korea. In related news, Sarah Palin has just started a bus tour in Pyongyang.

2. Actress Debra Messing is getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage. She was already spotted moving her things back into Will Truman's apartment.

3. Taylor Swift's Covergirl ad for mascara has been banned because her eyelashes were photoshopped. In response, Kanye West interjected, "Beyonce has the best eyelashes of all-time!"

4. A recent study has shown that 92 out of 100 public diaper changing stations contain traces of cocaine. Drug dealers who sell to infants should be ashamed of themselves!

 
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1. Rebecca Black's music video for the song 'Friday' was the most watched YouTube Video of the year. Shame on you America!

2. Last night's Monday Night Football game in San Francisco was delayed twice due to power outages. No wonder why they call it Candlestick Park! I hope they don't run out of ketchup at Heinz Field next week!!

3. Speaking of candlesticks, today is the day Governor Chafee lights the "Holiday Candelabra" at the state house!

4. Chloe Kardashian was spotted in the audience supporting her husband Lamar Odom as he played his first game for the Dallas Mavericks. Her sister Kim was also spotted, scouting out new husbands.

 
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A 76- year-old British woman sent to a GI specialist because of weight loss and diarrhea. She was diagnosed with severe diverticulitis, a condition that's common in older people in which small pouches bulge out from the colon. But when doctors did a scanning test of her belly they noticed something strange: "A linear foreign body in the stomach."

When asked about it, the woman remembered accidentally swallowing a black felt-tip pen 25 years earlier. According to her gastroenterologist Dr. Oliver Waters, she was standing on her stairs using an uncapped pen to poke a spot on her tonsils. She was also holding a hand mirror to guide the pen to the exact spot. Somehow, while doing this, she lost her balance and stumbled. The fall managed to push the pen down her throat. It glided down her gullet and found a home in her tummy.

She told her husband and her doctor what had happened, but they were skeptical of the story. X-rays done at the time were normal and found no trace of the pen. Flash forward to the present, to a different doctor and even better stomach-scanning technology to investigate the case of the missing marker. More than two decades later a scan hit pay dirt: The pen.

Although the woman's current digestive problems had nothing to do with the marker she had unintentionally downed, doctors decided to remove it anyway. After bathing in stomach acid for a two-and-a-half decades, the pen was corroded and the plastic was flaky, but, amazingly, the pen still had usable ink and could write!


TOM: Her new nickname is 'Sharpie'!


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X-ray of pen in stomach
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Actual pen with ink that still worked
 
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1. Kobe Bryant's wife has filed for divorce from the NBA superstar. Kim Kardashian has already invited him out to dinner.

2. Britney Spears got engaged to her boyfriend Jason Trawick over the weekend. Oh wait. Nevermind. They're already divorced.

3. Depsite the photos leaking on the internet, the Playboy Magazine featuring Lindsay Lohan has still achieved record sales. It must be the special scratch n sniff section.

4. North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died from a heart attack over the weekend. Somehow George W. Bush is trying to take partial credit for removing this dictator too.

 
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A Florida woman was charged with domestic battery when she used the antlers of a mounted deer head to beat up her ex-boyfriend, authorities say.

Chelsea Harrison armed herself with the deer head after her ex-boyfriend Terry Nowakowski broke down the door Tuesday to get into their house. She began striking him in the face and body with the ends of the antlers until she lost her grip dropping it to the floor." Nowakowski, 20, managed to flee and call for help.

The victim told authorities that he and Harrison, 23, were no longer a couple but have a 3-year-old daughter together and both own the home in Zephyrhills. The fight reportedly began when Nowakowski walked outside the home and called his new girlfriend which he believes angered Chelsea.  

When he tried to get back into the house, he found the door locked. He claims she then punched him when he poked his head inside a window after removing a screen. At that point, he decided to break down the door and got hit with the antlers.


TOM: Horny Bitch!

 
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An Oregon man went Darth Vader on customers at Toys 'R' Us this week when he allegedly assaulted at least three people by wielding a toy light saber.

Police arrested 33-year-old David Allen Canterbury -- Jedi-in-training -- after a shopper at the Jantzen Beach store called 9-1-1 to report Canterbury's evil use of the force around 9:50 p.m.

The caller told authorities that the man inside the store, later identified as Canterbury, was swinging the "Star Wars" toy at customers. When police approached Canterbury in the parking lot, they attempted to subdue the suspect using Tasers. Canterbury, however, continued to swing the light saber, knocking away one of the Taser wires with the toy weapon.


TOM: These are not the shoppers you're looking for.