1. Happy Leap Day to all you Leapers!
2. Mitt Romney was the big winner in Michigan and Arizona last night. His NASCAR team owner friends must be so proud.
3. Lindsay Lohan was on the Today Show saying she isn't sure how many days she has been sober. Which Lindsay language for, not sure how long its been she got caught.
4. Rumors say that Snooki may be pregnant. The first presidential candidate that says he'll prevent the rest of the Jersey Shore cast from breeding gets my vote!
1. Christopher Plummer, Meryl Streep, Billy Crystal, I don't know if I was watching the Oscar's or The Walking Dead on Sunday Night.
(yes same joke I used about the Grammy's. I'm recycling!)
2. Due to difficult track conditions and a crash, Danica Patrick managed to finish 38th in the Daytona 500. But we all know it's because she dropped her lipstick.
3. The Octo-mom had her license suspended for not paying a ticket for driving the wrong way on a one-way street. But in her defense, it is not easy turning that family bus around.
4. Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for almost $50,000. If this guy can get laid, there is hope for all of us!
1. So for 4 years, while I had a 401k the stock market was a friggen mess. 2 weeks after I get laid off, it sets new record highs! Is this what you're telling me?
2. Hey New York, I just wanted to point out that Lyndsey Lohan was the first one to bring us Lynsanity! Okay?
3. Actually I have this special brush that takes away all my Lent.
4. Jessica Simpson is going to be judging a Fashion Reality TV show. Bringing mom-jeans back to the runway!
1. Happy Fat Tuesday! In honor of today I will continue being fat like all other Americans!
2. Is the Whitney Houston funeral over yet?
3. A woman doing traffic reports? Aren't women the ones who cause the traffic?!
4. Ron Paul says, "Hemp is a good product and should be a free market alternative". He sure knows how to appeal to the average American voter.
1. Tony Bennett, Paul McCartney, The Beach Boys - I don't know if I was watching the Grammy's or The Walking Dead Sunday Night!
2. After winning all the Grammy Awards, Adele says she's taking a few years off to spend time with her boyfriend and write new songs. He better dump her if she plans on winning anymore Grammy's.
3. How did Dionne Warwick's friends not warn her about Whitney? This could have been avoided!!
4. Nothing says love like over-sized half-stale candy, dying flowers, and a card with a poem you didn't write. Happy Hallmark Day!!
MSNBC - When a South Bend, Ind. mother returned home Monday night with her son, she discovered Keith Davis, 46, had neatly folded her clothes, swept the floor and cooked dinner. The problem? Davis was a burglar.
"I seen my living room light on and the bedroom light on, so once we came up the stairs I figured my brother was home," says Ashley Murray. "I turned the knob and it was locked, so I seen my screen open and I pushed my window open and it was some random guy in my kitchen." So she walked away from the window with her son and called the police before yelling at Davis to leave her home.
"I'm like, 'The police are on their way!' And he told me, 'The police already been here,' closed my window, locked it back up and closed my door and sat in a chair in front of the window until the police came," Murray said.
Murray also noticed Davis had cooked some chicken and onions in a pan, folded her clothes and swept the floor. He even put a sheet and pillow on her couch. "The police said it looked like he was a good chef. It looked like he had broth and everything in it," she said. Davis was arrested despite adamantly stating he was in his own home. He was charged with breaking and entering.
The man told police he had woken up in the apartment, and a woman told him to get a set of keys from a closet. Murray said Davis had a set of her keys in his pocket when he was arrested and suspects Davis had been watching her and saw when she placed a set of keys in a storage unit for her brother to use when he arrived later that night from Indianapolis.
'He really seemed to think this was his home' When officers asked Davis where he lived he gave officers an address that didn't exist. According to the affidavit, officers had a difficult time understanding his speech.
"Me and the police think he was on some type of drug. He really seemed to think this was his home," Murray said. Her son later recognized Davis as a neighbor from across the complex. The son said he had seen Davis watching him and his friends when they played outside. Davis didn't steal anything beyond the food.
"He drunk up my orange juice, but it's cool because he swept up my floor and folded my clothes," Murray told WNDU.
1. Today is National Chocolate Day! Does anyone else find this to be a bit inappropriate during Black History Month?
2. Ok ladies, you can stop flirting with me. I didn't win Powerball last night. Sheesh....
3. Well, either the Shamrock Shake is out early this year or McDonald's needs to clean their machine!
4. I guess Rick Santorum's idea of a moon colony to ship all the gays is winning him lots of votes from homophobes. What a country!
1. In true Santorum style, all the other candidates were behind him taking up the rear in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri.
2. Snooki admitted in a recent interview that she is bi-sexual. So it is true. She will bang anybody!
3. Louis Vuitton has come out with a designer condom that costs $68, which is $48 more than the hooker I plan to use it with.
4. Ricky Williams has announced he is retiring from the NFL. He'll be spending less time on the grass and more time smoking it.
1. The good thing about being unemployed is I'm sleeping through all of Ann Curry's horrific wardrobe selections!
2. Reality Show 'The Voice' received huge ratings after the Super Bowl. And they say the singing was better than ever. Hey, anyone who sings after that Madonna halftime show is going to sound better than ever.
3. California judges have banned the ban that bans gay marriage or something like that. It's hard to keep track anymore. How about we just let people marry whomever they want and move on to more important things?!
4. Axl Rose celebrated his 50th birthday yesterday. Well he actually didn't show up to the party until today.
1. A commercial during the Super Bowl last night featured Clint Eastwood saying that it is only 'halftime in America'. If that means Madonna might come into our homes and perform, I'm moving to Canada!
2. I don't know if NFL players are tested for steroids or not, but someone should make Madonna pee in a cup.
3. I don't if he was upset or just confused, but after the Super Bowl last night, Gronkowski took the Lombardi Trophy from Eli Manning and spiked it into the ground.
4. Gisele Bundchen defended her quarterback husband to the media by saying, "Brady can't throw the ball AND catch it at the same time!" referring to the dropped passes Patriots receivers made at the end of the game. I'm sure she was just channeling Myra Kraft when she said it.