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1. The Boston Red Sox have reported hired Bobby Valentine as their new manager. He'll receive a 1 year contract and unlimited chicken and beer.

2. With all the accusations of sexual harassment and infidelity, Hermain Cain is reassessing his run for presidency. His wife should be reassessing her run as Mrs. Cain.

3. Dr. Conrad has been sentenced to serve 4 years in Los Angeles Country Jail. At least Lindsay Lohan knows she'll sleep well the next time she gets locked up.

4. Charlie Sheen was spotted in Columbia this week. He claims he's researching a new movie. I say he's picking up a few kilos of 'tiger blood'.

 
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1. So what is the over/under on how many days until Herman Cain declares he is a sex addict and checks into rehab?

2. After more than 30 years in Congress, representative Barney Frank is retiring. He is already being interviewed to take over as the voice of Elmer Fudd.

3. The NBA Lockout is over. The new season will start in December. Finally Kim Kardashian can start looking for a new husband!

4. Miley Cyrus admitted to being a 'pot-head' during a speech at her recent birthday party. I'm not sure she can pull off the 'glaucoma' excuse at her age.

 
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A British company, Captive Media, has designed video games installed at bathroom urinals that men control with their stream of pee.

Men relieving their bladders can aim at different sensors in the urinal to control the outcome of the game. There are three games to choose from: a skiing simulation, a trivia quiz with multiple choices, and a knock-down-the-penguins shooting gallery.

The average trip to the little boy's room lasts 55 seconds in Britain, giving just enough time for a short advertisement before and after a round of the video game. The console was tested in Cambridge before being released at a London pub. The makers will open the floodgates to other bars and clubs in the next few months.

Captive Media tout it as the first "hands free" game, although Sega already introduced pee-powered games called "Toylets" in Japanese loos earlier this year. 


 
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1. Hey Monday, way to go and ruin a perfectly good long weekend!

2. Today is Cyber Monday. Millions of people will be on the internet shopping for holiday deals. And that is why your favorite porn site is running so slow!

3. San Diego kicker Nick Novack was caught by cameras peeing into a cup during a game yesterday. Ahh, dude, that's not Gatorade!

4. The movie, Twilight has been causing some viewers to have seizures. Add that to disgust, boredom, and refunds. I knew the acting was bad, but I just figure nausea was my biggest risk.

 
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When Tao Jiayuan, a 16-year-old Chinese boy, complained of a sore throat two months ago, he could have been just any kid anywhere in the world who was looking at staying home from school for an afternoon, sipping tea and honey.

At first, the boy's mom thought he had caught a cold. But after the teen kept having trouble breathing and lost weight his parents took him to the hospital so he could be checked by doctors, who found the real reason for Tao's sucky throat condition: A large leech measuring nearly four inches living inside his windpipe.

It was one tough sucker, too. The doctors who removed the leech said it was still alive and unaffected by the anaesthetic they had given to the boy.


 
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1. I think I've got Bieber Fever!   Wait.... nope.... just my irritable bowel syndrome acting up.

2. Justin Bieber performed for a record crowd on the The Today Show this morning in New York City. He also knocked up Anne Curry....

3. I know it's Thanksgiving, but I thought CNN took a real risk last night by having so many turkeys and a wolf close together on one show.

4. Today is Snooki's birthday. She plans to spend it quietly with friends and family.... nah just kidding... she's going to get sloppy drunk, bang a random dude, and spend the night in detox. Happy Birthday!!

 
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1. Providence Place Mall is raising the price to park in the garage to $2.00 per car. I hope that comes with a map showing the way out of that maze!

2. I know it is disappointing that the 'super committee' didn't come to an agreement. But what haunts me the most is the image of those politicians sitting together in capes and tights.

3. My favorite reality TV show returns tonight. You know the one with the guys and one girl who fight, bicker, and say stupid things. I think it's called the GOP Debates.

4. Rex Ryan was fined $75,000 by the NFL for saying the F-word after a game last week. In response to the fine, Ryan was quoted as saying, "FUCK!"

 
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1. Millions of fans went to the theater to see the new Twilight movie this weekend. If you missed it, everyone in the movie dies at the end. Oops sorry.

2. Songwriter Paul Vance passed away. He's best known for his song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini". Guess how big his casket was...... eh, average.

3. Last night Taylor Swift won three American Music Awards. I don't want to say not one cares, but the only thing interrupting her acceptance speeches was yawns.

4. A woman who recently appeared on The People's Court has mysteriously disappeared. Sounds like a case for Criminal Minds!

 
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A Miami Gardens transgender woman is facing charges of practicing medicine without a license after police say she injected a patient's rear with everything but the kitchen sink in an illegal cosmetic surgery procedure.

Oneal Ron Morris, 30, was arrested Friday after an investigation by Miami Gardens Police and the Florida Department of Health.

According to police, the victim saw Morris in May and was injected in her buttocks with a substance consisting of cement, "Fix a Flat," mineral oil and super glue.

The amateur incision was then sealed with super glue, police said. The victim was later hospitalized with a serious medical condition as a result of the injections.

Morris, who police say is a man but appears to look like a woman and sports an apparently enhanced rear herself in arrest photos, was being held on $7,500 bond. it was unknown whether she has an attorney.

Police believe there may be other victims of Morris who may be afraid to come forward. They said the victims haven't done anything illegal and shouldn't be afraid to come forward.


 
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1. Demi Moore has publicly announced she is divorcing husband Ashton Kutcher. Not because he cheated on her, but because he's just getting too old for her!

2. To make the new Twilight movie more appealing to men this weekend, the director has added a scene with Bruce Willis mowing down vampires with a machine gun. Now we're talking!

3. Herman Cain has requested the secret service follow him on the campaign trail. Not for extra protection, but because he needs some new people to harass.

4. The woman claiming Justin Bieber is the father of her baby has dropped her lawsuit against the pop star. But Bieber still plans to counter-sue her. He may not have fucked her, but his lawyers certainly plan to!