1. Today is the Primary Election in Rhode Island. Remember to write-in TOM STEWART FOR PRESIDENT!

2. The Today Show's ratings are at an all-time low for the past 2 months. And it's been 2 months since NBC 10 fired me. Coincidence?

3. Two members of the boy band 'One Direction' say they may have caught chlamydia from a koala at a zoo in Australia. At least N'SYNC only banged underage girls.

4. Lindsay Lohan has been cast to play the role of Liz Taylor in a bio-pic. This will the be the first time someone invents a drinking game WHILE filming a movie.

1. R.I. Governor Chafee is visiting the troops in Afghanistan right now. He just raised all the bridge tolls and doubled the admission prices to all the Afghan beaches! That'll teach the Taliban!!

2. Ted Nugent's violent comments about President Obama has led to the Secret Service investigating him. They realize he doesn't party with groupies anymore, right?

3. I don't understand the big deal about the Secret Service having prostitutes in their hotel rooms. It's not like it was their cover that was getting blown.

4. Now that Dick Clark has passed away, we'll be stuck watching Ryan Seacrests balls drop on New Year's Eve.

1. Hey Republicans, did you see that hologram performance by Tupac at Coachella? Maybe there is a chance you can bring back Ronald Reagan after all!

2. Miley Cyrus was rushed to the ER after she accidentally cut herself with a kitchen knife. If she wants to cut something, how about cutting her career, short.

3. First the GSA gets caught spending thousands in Vegas, then the Secret Service is caught partying with prostitutes in Columbia. Who's running Washington these days, Charlie Sheen?

4. I wish Ted Nugent would stop saying shitty offense things about the president and go back to making shitty offense rock songs.

1. Red Sox opening day at Fenway Park is today. Nothing beats home-cooked chicken and beer!

2. Charles Manson was denied parole this week. I guess Dancing With The Stars will have to wait until next year.

3. Kanye West is reportedly now dating Kim Kardashian. 'I don't mean to interupt, but that last joke about Charles Manson was the best joke of all time.'

4. President Obama filed his taxes today. I'm not sure he can keep claiming Joe Biden as a dependent though.

1. Even my dog is sick of me being home everyday. He tricked me into going for a walk and locked me out!

2. Governor Chafee's underage son was caught trying to buy alcohol. I think we have a future politician in the making!

3. Facebook bought Instagram for $1 billion dollars. Suckers! I downloaded it to my phone for free!!

4. First Tim Tebow, now Rick Santorum. God is having no luck with picking winners this year.....

1. I found 9 Easter Eggs in the house this year! Unfortunately we didn't hide any this year...

2. Lisa Lampinelli claims she's been with a lot of black men. But last night on 'Celebrity Apprentice' she blew her only chance to ever be with a green one!

3. The last time someone named 'Bubba' scored on that many holes, it was group shower time in maximum security!

4. I didn't get a chance to go see 'Titanic 3D' this weekend. Don't ruin the ending for me...

1. It's opening day for Major League Baseball and the one day of the season that Mets fans can enjoy being in first place.

2. The NFL has unveiled new team uniforms that are more aerodynamic. This should help Saints players collect those bounties a little quicker.

3. Rick Santorum thinks he can make a second half comeback in the Republican race against Mitt Romney. I think he plans to name Tim Tebow his running mate.

4. Levi Johnston has gotten his new girlfriend pregnant. Again, I have to ask Republicans to rethink this free contraception thing...