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1. I find it amusing that the more I hear from the Jackson Family the more I realize Michael might have been the normal one.

2. When I think of all the screwed up things Bush and Obama have done as president, it makes me realize that Bill Clinton wasn't all that bad. All he did was get a blow job!

3. Wouldn't it be great if the opening ceremonies for the London Olympics was one of those Benny Hill chase scenes where he chases around a bunch of women in their underwear?


4. Chris Brown supposedly spent 4 hours with Rhianna on her yacht the other night. Where's a tsunami when you need one?

 
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1. A man who impersonates Santa Claus for a living was thrown out of Disney World while on vacation. How dare he go to an amusement park looking like a fictional character that kids look up to.

2. Kristen Stewart (no relation) has publicly apologized to Robert Pattinson for cheating on him. I'd like to apologize to the entire cast of Twilight for cheating on them with every other movie ever made!

3. Women's volleyball players won't be required to wear bikinis while competing in the London Olympics. Like I needed another reason to not watch the Olympics!

4. Singer Carly Rae Jepsen says her cellphone was hacked and her nude photos were stolen and posted on the internet. At least now when guys call, they'll know what they're getting - maybe.

 
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1. Classic rockers, The Who, are coming to Providence, Rhode Island! They're hoping to get in on some of these pension plans they heard about in our state.

2. The uniforms being worn by U.S. Olympian athletes were made in China! Who was in charge of this, Mitt Romney?

3. Actor Morgan Freeman has donated $1 million dollars to a super PAC supporting President Obama. I guess he's serious about defeating this Bain villain!

4. Tom Cruise got to spend time with his daughter Suri for the first time since his divorce. Unfortunately he spent most of his time having get things off the top shelf for him.

 
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1. Mitt Romney is so rich, even his money takes better vacations than most of us!

2. Penn State has decided not to remove the statue of Joe Paterno from their campus. Instead they're just going to turn his back, like he did when he was coach.

3. Anthony Weiner is thinking about running for mayor of New York City. I'm still holding out hope that some day he'll run as Vice-President with Jeb Bush.

4. Spike Lee was showing off for the cameras after catching a baseball bat in the crowd at a Yankees game. It's the best thing he's done on camera in about 12 years!

 
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1. There are no jobs in this state! Unless you want to wear pants and work on beach days!

2. Going to a Daniel Tosh show and being offended by the jokes is like getting into a NYC taxi and being offended by the driving.

3. Rumor has it that Sofia Vegara is engaged, and it's true. We're getting married! Just don't tell my girlfriend. She loves the show Modern Family.

4. Country singer Luke Bryan admitted to having cheat notes written on his hand while singing the National Anthem at the All-Star Game. I had to write his name on my hand so I'd remember who he is. I still don't know.

 
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1. I showed up late and missed the Tall Ships this weekend. So I had to get drunk and settle for a fat one.

2. The Boston Red Sox have just signed Robinson Cano's father. They can use a pitcher who doesn't give up homeruns to Yankees.


3. British pop star Adele is pregnant and due sometime in September. I can't wait to hear her breathy ballads about going through labor.

4. Justin Bieber was pulled over for speeding in Los Angeles. In his defense he couldn't see the speed limit signs over the dashboard.

 
 
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1. I find it funny how some drug users get looked down upon for taking Welfare hand-outs while others get tributes and honors on award shows.


2. Anderson Cooper admitted publicly today that he is in fact gay. In other news, Rosie O'donnell has admitted publicly that she is fat.


3. Alec Baldwin secretly married his girlfriend over the weekend. Things got a little tense when he accidentally punched the wedding photograph out of habit.


4. I'll bet the real reason Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise is because she found out he was getting massages from John Travolta's masseur.