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1. A man claiming to be President Obama's uncle was arrested for drunk driving in Massachusetts. I didn't know he was related to the Kennedys!

2. Dick Cheney has a new book of memoirs about his time as Vice-President. The step-by-step how-to section on water boarding was a nice touch.

3. The new cast of Dancing With The Stars includes Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, & Rikki Lake. What no feminine contestants? Oh wait, Rob Kardashian.

4. Daryl Hannah was arrested for protesting outside the White House yesterday. She should have been locked up years ago for that terrible mermaid movie with Tom Hanks!

 
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A 61-year-old housewife was arrested when she went to the Picton police station on August 16 to claim a bag containing 20 grams of cannabis.

Patricia Lynette Wright, of Blenheim, appeared in the Blenheim District Court yesterday and was sentenced to six months' supervision for possessing the drug and a pipe used for smoking it. She was also told she must attend counselling as directed by the Probation Service.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Graeme Single said a member of the public found a black bag near the Interislander ferry terminal in Picton and handed it in to police. They found 19 individual "tinnies" with about 1g of cannabis each in the bag, along with a pipe.

A phone inside the bag began to ring and police told the male caller that the bag was at Picton police station. Wright came to the station to claim the bag and was arrested, admitting the cannabis and the pipe were hers.


 
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MSNBC - A Miami International Airport passenger is in trouble after being caught with snakes in his pants while trying to board a flight.

The Transportation Security Administration said Monday the seven cold-blooded reptiles were discovered on the male passenger by security scanners on Aug. 25.

It was not clear where in the man's pants the snakes were hidden or if the snakes were venomous.

But the unidentified passenger didn't stop at sneaking snakes on a plane, authorities allege. He also had three tortoises hidden in a nylon bag concealed in his pants, TSA spokesman Jon Allen said.



 
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1. Want to make $100 million dollars? Abuse and slaughter dogs in a dog fighting ring, and then play football for the Philadelphia Eagles.

2. Hurricane Irene is the biggest disaster suffered during President Obama's presidency, unless you count his presidency.

3. Congress is considering giving themselves a raise. Hey, wait, I thought we were already spending too much money. Time to make drastic cuts, remember???

4. Former Skid Row lead singer, Sebastian Bach's home was destroyed by Hurricane Irene. But I hear Jani Lane's home is available.

 
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A central Pennsylvania man has been charged for a second time with trying to steal a rack of ribs by shoving them down his pants.

Carlisle police tell The Sentinel newspaper that 65-year-old Donald Noone tried to hide about $20 worth of ribs in his pants on Sunday. Police say he attempted to pull the same stunt on May 22 at a supermarket and pleaded guilty to retail theft and public drunkenness.

Police say that since this is a second offense, the theft charge will be considered a more serious second-degree misdemeanor.


 
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Hospital officials say an 86-year-old Arizona man is lucky to be alive after he accidentally impaled himself with pruning shears.

University Medical Center said Monday that Leroy Luetscher of Green Valley was working in his yard on July 30 when he dropped a pair of pruning shears, which landed point-side down in the ground.

When Luetscher went to pick them up, he lost his balance and fell face-down on the handle. The handle penetrated his eye socket and went down into his neck, resting on the external carotid artery. Half the shears were left in his head, while the other half was sticking out.


 
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Pop superstar Beyoncé's sister has accused off-duty Miami Beach police officers of discrimination and pulling a weapon on her during a confrontation over an inflatable banana.

MBPD spokesman Juan Sanchez said the incident began when Solange Knowles was denied access to Cameo Nightclub on Washington Avenue because she was carrying the five-foot inflatable fruit.

Knowles began to complain the reasons for not being allowed access into the club were racially motivated, according to Sanchez, and off-duty officers working at the club escorted her across the street to continue the discussion.

Knowles, 25, shortly made an informal complaint to a sergeant on duty that one of the men pulled a weapon and threatened to deflate the banana.



 
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1. Beyonce announced she is pregnant. I guess Jay-Z is up to 100 problems now! He should have put a thing on it!

2. Happy 53rd birthday to Michael Jackson. I grab my crotch in your honor.

3. Researchers say that watermelon has many of the same properties as Viagra. So that explains Gallagher's success.

4. Due to my cable being out from Hurricane Irene, I was unable to watch the VMA's. So insert Gaga as a man, Kate Perry wearing a block of cheese, and Bieber with a snake, jokes here.

 
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Police say they're trying to determine what caused a septic tanker truck to crash off a western New York road and slam through the wall of a home before coming to rest in the living room.

The Orleans County Sheriff's Department says the homeowners weren't home when the truck driven by 35-year-old Russell Calkins of Albion crashed Thursday morning in Gaines, a rural town 30 miles west of Rochester.

Calkins apparently lost control of the truck, which crossed the center line, hit a stop sign, and continued moving until it crashed through a garage attached to the ranch home and ended up in the living room


 
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1. Astronomers have discovered a distant planet made completely of diamond. Kobe Bryant has already purchased it for his wife for the next time he's caught cheating.

2. Mark Wahlberg is opening a burger joint with his brothers called Wahlburgers. You can order them with Kevin Bacon and a side of Jerry Rice!

3. Justin Beiber is recording a Christmas album for release this holiday season. I can't think of a better reason to convert to Judaism. 

4. China has banned the download of songs by Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Katy Perry, and Backstreet Boys. They may be on to something here!