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1. People keep telling Republicans that Ronald Reagan is not coming back. But compared to the current nominees, his zombified corpse might be a better choice!

2. R.I. native Viola Davis mentioned her hometown of Central Falls during a winning acceptance speech at the SAG Awards last night. That ought boost tourism!

3. Travel and Leisure Magazine has named Providence one of the Top 20 Rudest cities in the country. As a representative of Providence, I'd like to tell those editors to 'Suck it!'.

4. The Spice Girls are planning a reunion concert for later this year. "Tell me whatcha want whatcha really really want...."  Not this!

 
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1. Dear Mr. Kotter. Juan will not be in class today. He is dead. Signed, Epstein's Mother.

2. The Occupy Providence group has come to an agreement with the city and will be moving out of Burnside Park. Now they can all move back into their parent's basements.

3. Newt Gingrich says when he is president he will colonize the moon. See, he already plans to cheat on planet Earth!

4. Pat Sajak admits that in the 80's he would often be drunk while hosting Wheel of Fortune. That would explain when contestants would ask to buy a vowel, Sajak would reply, "I Love You Man!"

 
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TMZ - "Fear Factor" producers' plans to serve fresh glasses of donkey semen to contestants on the next episode had NBC execs so concerned ... they gave serious thought to killing the stunt, TMZ has learned.

Sources involved in the production tell us the stomach-churning stunt was shot last summer -- but NBC honchos were having a tough time swallowing this one as the air date approached.

We're told the challenge involved teams of twins drinking the full glass of donkey semen -- with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure. Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to move on to the next round. 

Our sources say NBC execs had multiple pow-wows in the months after the stunt was shot ... but eventually gave FF producers the thumbs up. 

The episode airs this coming Monday -- and yes, we're told multiple contestants actually do (gulp) drink up. 



TOM: Enjoy your breakfast!

 
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1. Mitt Romney released his tax reports and it turns he makes an average of $50,000 a day! Why doesn't he just buy his own country, and leave ours alone?!

2. People are upset about Facebook making the new timeline feature permanent for everyone. I hear there is already a protest planned called "Occupy Farmville".

3. Miley Cyrus had her picture taken, while posing provocatively next to a penis shaped birthday cake. I thought she took it a little too far when she started smearing the creme filling all over her face.

4. Demi Moore was hospitalized after suffering a seizure from doing nitrous oxide whip-its. I know she likes young men, but she obviously can't handle the peer pressure that comes with dating high school boys!

 
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A strip club in South Africa has designed a new line of aftershave for men that will help them with their excuse for being out late at a strip club. The cologne called 'Alibi' smells like oil and rubber, so that men can say they had car trouble.

The scent is also designed to block out that familiar perfume, smoke, and alcohol smell that is usually a dead give away of having been at a gentleman's club. For now, it is being sold exclusively at Mavericks, in South Africa. But they hope to sell it world-wide, and plan to come up with other masking scents as well.

TOM: Nothing can mask the smell of shame!

 
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1. For the record, I don't care what song was #1 on the day you were born.
(pun intended)

2. France is building a theme park to honor their famous ruler, Napoleon. Unfortunately, if you're his height, you won't be tall enough to ride the rides.

3. My favorite part of the State of the Union Address last night was when President Obama opened with the 'Jodie Foster's Beaver' joke that Ricky Gervais used at the Golden Globes. Still funny!

4. The Westminster Dog Show will be adding six new breeds to the competition this year. They are: The Snooki, The Kardashian, The Lohan, The Chelsea, The Britney, and the Ga-Ga.

 
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1. My favorite part of the Patriots game yesterday was when they let Myra Kraft's zombie sing the National Anthem.

2. The U.S. Post Office has raised the price of a stamp again. It is now officially cheaper to drive to the location and hand the envelope to the person you're mailing it to.

3. Newt Gingrich won over South Carolina with his family values and belief that marriage should be between a man and a woman, or another woman, or another woman...

4. Sadly, after missing the game-tying kick, Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff attempted suicide. Luckily though, the bullet missed his head, wide left.

 
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MSNBC: Dante Autullo was sure he'd merely cut himself with a nail gun while building a shed, and thought doctors were joking when they told him what an X-ray revealed: A 3 1/4-inch nail was lodged in the middle of his brain.

Autullo was recovering Friday after undergoing surgery at Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn, where doctors removed the nail that came within millimeters of the part of the brain controlling motor function.

"When they brought in the picture, I said to the doctor `Is this a joke? Did you get that out of the doctors joke file?"' the 32-year-old recalled. "The doctor said `No man, that's in your head."'

As he was rushed by ambulance to another hospital for surgery, he posted a picture of the X-ray on Facebook. 


TOM: Wait, before you remove that nail from my brain, I need to check on my Farmville!

 
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1. Looks like we got 3 to 4 inches last night....or as my girlfriend calls it.... Thursday Night.

2. Newt Gingrich says his past marriages and extra-marital affairs should not be a part of the presidential election. This is the same guy that thinks it's the gays who are ruining the sanctity of marriage.

3. Every time someone interviews a player from the Baltimore Ravens, I feel like there should be a thick piece of glass and a corrections officer in between them. Go Pats!

4. Mark Wahlberg has apologized for his insensitive remarks about how he would have physically stopped the terrorists on a plane from Boston to NYC on 9/11. But he stands by his comments about kicking Katrina's ass if he had been in New Orleans that day.

 
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Hazel Jones, the British woman known for being born with two fully developed vaginas, has been offered $1 million dollars by Vivid Entertainment, famed adult film makers, to appear in a pornographic film.

The married 27 year old woman, who hasn't exactly been shy about showing off her condition, hasn't responded to the proposal yet. The medical term, 'uterus didelphys', basically means she has two reproductive organs with two vagina canals and two openings.

Steve Hirsch, owner of Vivid Entertainment, also says that Jones may choose any porn star she likes to star in the film with her. And that he will provide her with top notch accommodations and airfare to come to Los Angeles for the shoot.

TOM: I wonder if she saved one of her vaginas as a virgin for her wedding night?