1. A Navy Seal tell-all book says that Osama Bin Laden was unarmed when he was killed in Pakistan. However he was watching Jersey Shore and eating Funyuns, so justice served.
2. I'm not sure who's blowing out more hot air on the Gulf Coast this week, Hurricane Issac or the speakers at the GOP Convention.
3. Today is Michael Jackson's birthday! Let's all do a crotch-grab in his honor. (Your own crotch Sandusky!)
4. The Mars rover transmitted a song by Will.i.am yesterday making it the first song ever broadcast on the red planet. It was one small step for man, one giant leap for gettin' this party started!
5. Its refreshing to see George W. Bush being just as pro-active this time, as he was last time a hurricane hit New Orleans.
1. Snooki finally had her baby. As a present, Pauly D bought her a baby stroller with a mini-bar in it.
2. Gulf Coast residents have been stocking up on food all week in anticipation of his arrival. No not Hurricane Issac, governor Chris Christie!
3. Penn State will no longer play "Sweet Caroline" at their football games because of the lyrics "Touching me, touching you". Instead they will be playing R. Kelly's greatest hits.
4. Josh Beckett gave up a homerun on his second pitch as a starter for the Dodgers. I guess the chicken and beer is just as good in Los Angeles.
1. The Mars Rover has begun conducting experiments by blasting rocks with a laser. It cost an extra million dollars just to get it to go 'Ptew' 'Ptew' every time.
2. Michael Strahan is rumored to be Regis' replacement as co-host on 'Live'. Instead of walking out on stage with Kelly Ripa, he plans to carry her in that gap in his teeth.
3. For the sixth time a woman has failed in her attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba. It was mostly due to all the on-coming traffic of people on rafts and tubes getting in her way.
4. Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger (lead singer of Nickelback) are engaged to be married. It's probably the only chance Canada will ever have to produce a singer that's worse than Celine Dion.
1. It's going to be a shame that I have no boss' desk to take a big shit on after I win Powerball tonight.
2. Rhode Island is the 37th most obese state in the country. New Jersey is #1 but most of that is just Chris Christie.
3. How come everyone who has Allstate car insurance talks like a black man?
4. Bill Gates is sponsoring a science fair to invent a new more efficient toilet. Yeah that's just what I need, slow download times while I'm taking a shit.
1. You thought the Red Sox season was tough on you. It killed Johnny Pesky!
2. If they had combined synchronized swimming with Shark Week, I totally would have watched the Olympics!
3. When did Chad 'Ochocinco' Johnson change his name to Chris Brown?
4. Jennifer Aniston is engaged to get married. Am I the only one who feels bad for Ross and Gunther?
1. NASA's new rover successfully landed on the surface of Mars after surviving what they call '7 minutes of terror' during the landing. Coincidentally '7 minutes of terror' was my nickname with the ladies in college.
2. A team of 50 men at NASA successfully guided a robot onto the surface of Mars from billions of miles away. But not one of them can pee without missing the toilet just a little bit.
3. Porn star Jenna Jameson is endorsing Mitt Romney in the presidential election. It could help him, cause I've heard she pretty good with polls.
3a. Jenna Jameson is endorsing Mitt Romney. He finally found someone who changes positions more than he does!
3b. Jenna Jameson is endorsing Mitt Romney for President. If he wins it will surprisingly be the first time she's ever fucked a black guy.