1. I thought about working out to my P90X videos today. I didn't. But last week I didn't even think about it. So that's progress!

2. Magic Johnson is the new owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers. He is 'positive' they can be world champions!

3. Andy Petitte has come out of retirement to pitch for the New York Yankees again. I guess they'll have to take his syringe down from the rafters.

4. Simon Cowell caught a female intruder breaking into his house. He was in no danger though. It was just Kelly Clarkson looking for food.

1. Every time I put on TNT and Law and Order isn't on, I cry a little on the inside.

2. Geraldo Rivera says that wearing a hoodie makes you look suspicious. I find guys with mustaches like his a lot more creepy.

3. The Pope is in Mexico this week. Even his holiness loves Spring Break! Popes Gone Wild!!

4. Former Vice-President Dick Cheney had a heart transplant this week. Wait, doesn't that insinuate that he had a heart to begin with?

1. Enough with this NCAA Basketball already. My brackets have been out of the running since last Saturday!

2. Rosie O'Donnell's talk show has been cancelled after only 5 months. She's had longer runs at the all-you-can-eat buffet!

3. So the coroner says Whitney Houston died from drowning. What gave it away? The tub full of water she was found floating in?

4. If Rick Santorum is against porn, contraception, and homosexuality, then who the hell is voting for this guy?

1. So nice out, I wore shorts for the first time this year. My apologizes to all those I blinded on the bike path.

2. I know the tolls are ridiculous on the Newport Bridge, but that's no reason for people to go shooting up the city!

3. I heard Tim Tebow might be traded to the Jets. Are the Broncos sacrificing a virgin?

4. Word is The Situation from Jersey Shore entered rehab. I think he accidentally thought it was a nightclub.

1. So I guess we'll know for sure that the NFL is rigged when the Broncos and Giants play in this year's Super Bowl.

2. It's 2 days after St. Patrick's Day and the Charles River is still green! And they didn't put green dye in it this year.

3. Gallagher is out of the hospital just days after suffering from a massive heart attack. But Mitch Hedberg, Bill Hicks, and Greg Giraldo are still dead!

4. Ashton Kutcher has signed up to be a passenger on Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic Space Flights. His quest to be the next warlock from Mars continues.

At 84, Pope Benedict XVI has proven to be a spiffy dresser. He wears cherry red loafers that landed him in the pages of Esquire magazine as the “accessorizer of the year,” he’s been spotted wearing sunglasses by Gucci and been outfitted by the Italian fashion house, Belstaff. Now, according to the Guardian, il Papa has commissioned his own brand of eau de cologne, a scent that only he may wear.

The fragrance is a combination of lime tree, verbena and grass and was created by Silvana Casoli, an Italian nose, as perfume makers are called, who has created scents for Sarah Jessica Parker, Katy Perry, Madonna and Sting.

TOM: What Drakkar isn't good enough for him?!

1. Thank you DRAW SOMETHING for reminding me how crappy of an artist I am!

2. Hey Republicans, if Snooki's pregnancy isn't proof enough that women's contraception should be free, I don't know what is!

3. Peyton Manning is visiting the Denver Broncos this weekend. I know God loves all his children, but I'm sorry Tim Tebow, even the Lord knows Peyton is the man!

4. In honor of the 15 year anniversary of Biggie's death, Tupac has released a new album.

1. A sex tape with Hulk Hogan has surfaced on the internet. I could tell it was fake when he tagged in Brutus The Barber Beafcake.

2. Now that Peyton Manning is no longer playing for the Indianapolis Colts, there are job openings available on just about EVERY commercial airing on television!

3. The worst part about all the advertisers that are leaving Rush Limbaugh's radio show is that he has to talk more to fill the time!

4. A pregnant Jessica Simpson posed nude for the cover of Elle Magazine. Well actually they just ended up using a naked picture of her from 2 years ago.

1. I hope I win Powerball before I'm 85 years old. Cuz I don't think I'm going to make it that long!

2. The New Orlenans Saints are being investigated by the NFL for giving players cash bounties for injuring opposing players. I guess their salaries weren't enough motivation.

3. Kirk Cameron said in an interview that he thinks homosexuals are 'unnatural', 'detrimental', and 'destructive' to American values. This coming from a guy who's best friend in high school was named 'Boner'!

4. In this country, Rush Limbaugh has the right to say whatever he wants about a woman. We also have the right to think he's a complete asshole!