2. Happy 53rd birthday to Michael Jackson. I grab my crotch in your honor.
3. Researchers say that watermelon has many of the same properties as Viagra. So that explains Gallagher's success.
4. Due to my cable being out from Hurricane Irene, I was unable to watch the VMA's. So insert Gaga as a man, Kate Perry wearing a block of cheese, and Bieber with a snake, jokes here.