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1.       Don’t call a Christmas Tree a ‘Holiday’ Tree even if you have the best of intentions.

2.       Any present that ends with the words “…of the month club” sucks.

3.       The biggest problem with buying someone a new car for Christmas, like in the TV commercials, is finding a gigantic red bow. Oh and cars are f&%king expensive!

4.       I will walk around the entire parking lot on purpose if you keep creeping after me in your car for my spot.

5.       A Santa hat is not an acceptable reason to invite strangers to sit on your lap.

          5a.       Especially children

6.       A Christmas card with no money in it will always be opened with a small amount of disappointment.

7.       Giving your man a power drill for Christmas is the equivalent of your man giving you a vacuum cleaner.

8.       Dogs that eat tinsel off the Christmas Tree will eventually take a shiny crap on the rug.

9.       National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is the best Christmas movie of all time.

10.   Don’t buy your girlfriend/wife clothes for Christmas. If you buy a size that is too big, it will mean you think “she is fat.”     If you buy a size that is too small it will mean you wish “she was skinnier.” Lose/Lose.

           10a.       This does not apply to jewelry. Women will always gladly exchange bling for the right size.

11.   I keep the Christ in Christmas when I go shopping. It is usually in the form of “Oh my god this is expensive!” and “Jesus Christ it is crowded in here!”

12.   Any guy wearing a Santa hat will look like a pedophile. Take it off.

13.   People who write ‘Xmas’ instead of ‘Christmas’ do not hate Jesus Christ. They are just lazy.

14.   Take separate cars when shopping with your significant other so you can get the hell out of there when you’re done, and they’re not.

15.   Sending Christmas cards with a picture of your kids, dogs, or house with decorations, is always tacky no matter how hard you try.

16.   The reason everyone is Merry on Christmas and not on other holidays is eggnog.

17.   Anyone who opens presents neatly without tearing the wrapping paper should be banned from Christmas for one year.

18.   Bringing your dog to have his picture taken with Santa is a cry for help.

19.   Santa Claus is supposed to be jolly and NOT smell like Jim Beam. (I’m talking to you Mall Santa)

20.   One of the best parts of Christmas is that you won’t have to see most of your family again until Easter!

21.   Christmas is the season of giving; unless you’re the credit card company.

22.   People will always know how much you spent on them if you give them a gift card for Christmas.

23.   Getting a haircut right before Christmas is second only to getting a haircut right before ‘back to school’ time - a bad idea.

24.   Buying and wrapping a present for your pet is NOT weird. Receiving a wrapped present from your pet and NOT knowing where it came from IS.

25.   Your car is not a reindeer. Take those ridiculous antlers off your roof!

26.   Any present that is hand-made and required a trip to a craft store, is not a welcomed present.

27.   At some point you are going to hear ‘Dominick the Donkey’, ‘The Chipmunks’, and that damn song about the kid and shoes for his mother. It’s unavoidable.

28.   The Festivus episode of Seinfeld was in 1997. It’s not that funny to say ‘Happy Festivus’ anymore. Move on…

29.   If you can’t remember last night, and can’t find your pants this morning, chances are your office Christmas party went horribly wrong.

30.   If your birthday is on or near Christmas Day you will most surely be screwed out of presents.

69. The mistletoe belt buckle is not an original idea. I’m pretty sure Dean Martin invented it.





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